I awoke this morning in a particularly good mood, I got in to work coffee in hand and the first thing I do is check face book and then I am confronted with the reality of domestic abuse.
I’m not surprised, I read the paper yesterday, seems that everyone is shocked by such a high rate of abuse. The big question on everyone’s mind is how do we fix it, and why is it so high?
How many people understand what it is all about, do you understand what it is about, have you lived it, have you witnessed it, are you still suffering the effects years later?
I very rarely allow people to know too much about me, but in this case I am going to allow you to experience a little bit of the reality.
A few months ago my daughter was play fighting with her uncle, innocent enough, he is a great guy and I know he would never hurt her but I started to feel very uneasy, I said to her in a rather stern tone that is enough stop mucking around, she chose to ignore me and carry on, and then I felt something a little more, I started feeling the need to protect her, I started to feel unusually angry. My mind was racing with thoughts, stop putting yourself in that situation, if you hurt her I’m going to………….. My tone changed significantly enough for them both to take notice and stop, I felt un-nerved, and perhaps they were as well by my reaction.
The truth is I still remember and at times haunted by the past, I remember being awoken in the middle of the night by arguing, seeing the bruises on my mother’s face the next day, the feeling of powerlessness, realising that I was 10 or 11, not big enough to protect her or do anything. Doesn’t help the feeling of guilt at not doing more though…….. To be clear I am not talking about my father or Ken.
I use to hear mum talk to her friend sometimes and she use to say things like, “maybe I asked for it, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut” and you know what maybe there is a little truth in that, domestic violence is never OK but it is often wise not to put yourself in dangerous situations, it takes two to tango as they say.
The end of an error came the day Brett arrived at home with a shot gun, Mum saw him coming she jumped out the kitchen window and over the fence injuring her ankle in the process running to the neighbours and calling the police.
He cut the head off my mother’s doll that her grandmother had given her, stabbed holes in the waterbed, broke items that could never be replaced. Had she not jumped that fence, would she have been killed, I don’t know, I hate to think.
I have watched history repeat, I have been in a position to help a few people get out.
How do these situations come about, sometimes people grow up with it, which means it is more acceptable to them as a victim or as the aggressor.
A lot of problems in the world come from a lack of compassion, whether it is racism, homophobia, bullying, where do you think people learn these things, people are not born with hatred and lack of empathy and compassion they learn it.
Children learn from their surroundings, they witness what you do, what you say, they learn compassion from you.
I heard my brother say some very wise words to his son, he was frustrated and throwing his toys, they were “hey, calm down, use your words, use your words”
There is also another quote from a movie called Prayers for Bobby that I have also found quite moving, it is a little bit of topic, It’s about a mother addressing congress in the states about her son that had killed himself, it’s based on a true story, you could substitute the word gay with many others and the message would still be relevant.
“I believe that God was pleased with Bobby’s kind and loving spirit. In God’s eyes kindness and love are what it’s all about. I didn’t know that each time I echoed eternal damnation for gay people each time I referred to Bobby as sick and perverted and a danger to our children. His self-esteem and sense of worth were being destroyed. And finally his spirit broke beyond repair. It was not God’s will that Bobby climbed over the side of a freeway overpass and jumped directly into the path of an eighteen-wheel truck which killed him instantly. Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parent’s ignorance and fear of the word gay. He wanted to be a writer. His hopes and dreams should not have been taken from him but they were. There are children, like Bobby, sitting in your congregations. Unknown to you they will be listening as you echo “amen” and that will soon silence their prayers. Their prayers to God for understanding and acceptance and for your love but your hatred and fear and ignorance of the word gay, will silence those prayers. So, before you echo “amen” in your home and place of worship. Think. Think and remember a child is listening.”
The buck stops with you, before you open your mouth in anger or frustration remember a child is listening…………….
If you know of someone you suspect is in need of help, be it a friend, an acquaintance, a child, take the time to say hey if you need a friend I am here for you.
If you are the abuser, take some responsibility, get some help, and break the cycle, would you be proud of your children if they were just like you.
No one is perfect, we can all strive to be better, and the journey starts with just one step.